A simple guide to your next conversation about driving with older adults
No one enjoys having a conversation about whether driving is safe or appropriate for an older adult in your life. For adult children, they can feel conflicted about wanting to support their parent’s independence, yet needing, for safety reasons, to limit driving—as if they are taking away something precious. For aging parents, such conversations can feel like criticism or a questioning of their aiblities.
The conversation about driving is deeply personal and nuanced. Depending on your specific concerns, the approach may differ. Here are five general tips for creating a thoughtful, respectful discussion.
1. Start the conversation with empathy
We may think of family conversations as tasks to check off a list, but discussing driving deserves time, attention, and care. Start by acknowledging what driving represents for your loved one; it may be a symbol of independence. Create connection rather than tension, offering a phrase such as: “I know driving is important to you and gives you freedom, and I want to talk about doing it safely.”
2. Explore their feelings
Meet your loved one in their reality by asking neutral, open-ended questions. For example:
“You’ve been driving for a long time — how are you feeling about your driving skills these days?” Or “Driving has always been in your DNA, have you ever felt hesitation to drive?”
Listening without judgment allows them to share their perspective. They might express confidence in their abilities, or reveal concerns they haven’t shared before.
3. Be curious about their thought process
Sometimes, the most valuable questions are not those that get an immediate answer, but prompt reflection. Such as:
“Have you thought about whether you want to be proactive or reactive when it comes to knowing the right time to stop driving?”
Your aging loved one can consider their own safety and independence, rather than feel lectured.
4. Expect to circle back
Driving is not a one-time conversation. It often takes multiple discussions before reaching any resolution. Emotions run high, and decisions evolve over time. Give your loved one space to process, and be prepared to revisit the topic with patience and understanding.
5. Bring in medical guidance for serious concerns
If you have genuine safety concerns — for your loved one or others — reach out to their primary care physician in writing. Share your concerns about safety for your loved one and others on the road and indicate whether your communication should remain confidential. Physicians can discuss the issue with your loved one and, if necessary, contact the local Department of Motor Vehicles for a driving assessment or re-certification.
Closing Thoughts
The “driving conversation” can feel loaded, but it doesn’t have to create tension. With empathy, curiosity, and patience, these discussions can become opportunities to connect, empower, and protect the safety and independence of your beloved senior.