The emotional Rollercoaster of Change with Senior Citizens

Why decision making and change is so hard for aging adults

You might be an aging adult yourself, wondering “why do I seem so stuck all the time?” Or maybe your an adult child trying to support an aging parent and you see the solution so easily for them, but they just aren’t ready. We are going to tackle why decision making can be so challenging for aging adults.

Senior Citizens want to feel valued

I was reminded of this concept while watching The Golden Bachelor. In this episode, Joan Vassos (who later became the bachelorette) looked right at the camera and described how she felt about getting older. Although she was only sixty years old, she stated that she feels invisible and insignificant as a senior citizen. That she doesn’t have the same value, as she did when she was younger. The weight of her statement was powerful-both for her and for those of us watching.

Why this matters is that when we understand how senior citizens are feeling, emotionally as they get older, we can start to have empathy for why change can be hard. Lack of confidence, lack of connection and lack of feeling important, can lead to slower decision making.

The elephant in the Room-Control

For senior citizens, later life can feel like a season of losing control. First they start to question where they parked, then they can’t find their keys, suddenly they are falling. Their bodies and minds are changing faster than they expect, and their natural response becomes to hold tightly to the control they still have.

This can be heard in a variety of ways including:

• “No one is going to tell me what to do.”
• “I’m doing it my way.”
• “I am NOT moving anywhere.”
• “I don’t need to go to the doctor.”
• “I’m find without a cane.”

At the core, these aren’t signs of stubborness. They are powerful messages: I want to make my own choices. I want to know I still matter.

Emotional Processing-Legacy

For many of us life is busy. We have careers, manage families and go to bed. Then rinse and repeat each day. Often moving so fast in life, we don’t have time to think.

Until we become a senior citizen.

One of my favorite books is “How to say it to seniors” by David Solie. He talks about the importance of exploring a senior citizens legacy as we discuss age related changes.

This exercise is crucial to the change process. I loved this idea when I first read his book, because it’s easy to get swept up in the current of life and forget to look back on the wake you made.

But in addition to that, I love it from my Motivational Interviewing background because often senior citizens might make decisions based on their values, and one potential value is their legacy. How do they want to be remembered? What do they want to teach their loved ones about aging? What has their impact been on this world been?

Their brain changes

According to the Simmons Foundation, their brains are aging and making changes regarding how they make decisions.  “Compared with younger adults, for example, older adults are more likely to delegate, defer, or avoid making decisions.”

For those that work with aging adults, this makes sense. They often do defer or avoid making decisions, hoping life gets better.

Another statement from their article on the brain and making decisions

“On the flip side, research suggests that decision-making becomes less flexible with age. In lab studies where the rules for the task change spontaneously — the rewarded choice changes without warning, for example — researchers find that older people take longer to switch their selection to the newly optimal choice.”

Meaning, although there might be a better decision to make, they are still slower to make it.

Let’s talk about you-the helper

It’s natural for helpers to want to step in. We want to see aging adults thrive, succeed, and have their wishes honored. But in our eagerness, we often jump in to “fix” things. Without realizing it, we may take control away from them—something that almost always sparks their need to hold on even tighter to independence.

Many helpers are also in the midst of busy midlife: juggling careers, families, and endless responsibilities. Time with an aging parent or loved one can feel rushed or agenda-driven—not out of disregard, but simply because there’s so much to manage.

The result? Conversations get shortened, opinions are shared more than emotions are heard, and little room is left for older adults to process feelings about change or reflect on their legacy. When this happens, important discussions and decisions are often delayed—or avoided altogether.

Let’s summarize

• Senior Citizens feel insignificant and un-valued
• Senior citizens hold on to control
• They need time and space to process their legacy
• Their brains change, becoming more patient and cautious with decision making
• We as helpers don’t always have TIME, we are rushed and quick to share suggestions

How can we engage Senior Citizens better?

Managing our expectations

In a helpers mid life season, they are quick and efficient decision makers. They have to be to get everything done and on time.

One conversation=one decision.

But that’s not what you can expect when discussing change with aging adults. As we learned from above, it’s not a quick process. It takes time, energy and listening.

As a helper, you should expect to have 3-6 change conversations to get to a decision.

This allows for multiple conversations with multiple goals, including 1-2 conversations just filled with pure connection. Trying to understand their world, their life and what brings them joy at this stage of life.

Change your mindset

As helpers, it’s tempting to step in with persuasion or pressure, hoping to guide seniors toward “better” choices. Learning that our automatic response always increases resistance, let’s calm our own mindset and focus on connection, not control. We can’t dictate another person’s choices, but we can choose how we communicate.

Here are four practical shifts to try:

1. Avoid judgment. Replace criticism with empathy.
2. Avoid jumping to problem-solving. Listen and ask permission if you have solutions.
3. Support autonomy. Reinforce their right to make choices.
4. Be curious. Ask open-ended questions that invite reflection.

Create a safe space

Leave your frustration at the door, create a space that is open and inviting for an aging adult to share their thoughts.

Summary

Decisions to change will take time. There are many emotions to process for aging adults. When we slow down, listen, and respect autonomy, we open the door for connection — allowing change to feel a little less overwhelming for the person we love and allowing a safe space to explore all their feelings on change.