We’ve all been there. We see our aging parents or our elderly neighbors starting to decline. Maybe we are noticing more health challenges or that they don’t have the ability to keep up their house anymore. Regardless of why you are concerned, helping to empower Senior Citizens to make proactive choices is a respectful way of communicating. And below we will discuss why we believe starting the conversation is born with respect.
We all have times where we see aging parents, neighbors or friends starting to struggle and we say to them, “You should look at Senior living.” This statement is intended to be supportive and helpful, but often it creates resistance to the idea.
Why is this? We talk all about it in our class: Navigating resistance to change, but ultimately communication is what causes or doesn’t cause resistance to change. So for us to cultivate a safe space to explore change, it starts with our mindset.
Keep reading to learn more!
Keeping Seniors in the drivers seat
I’m a hug advocate for helping Senior Citizens to stay in the drivers seat of their life. It’s THEIR life, they get to choose how to live it. With that being said, I also am a huge advocate for Seniors to explore options like senior living, before they “need” it. And here’s why….
When we start conversations about exploring senior living before it’s needed, I do it as a way to encourage proactivity. To help seniors stay in control of their aging journey.
Meet Steve. Steve is an adult child who came into the senior living community I worked at to explore options for mom and dad. He was in crisis mode and he was stressed! His parents had a significant health crisis and could no longer live at home, nor make the choice for change. Steve looked at me, emotions all over his face and said, “Ugh, I feel so conflicted right now, I don’t want to make this choice for them. If only I knew what they would have wanted in this situation, then I could just follow through with it.”
I took a large breath and sighed, put my hand on Steve’s shoulder, and said, “Sadly, they didn’t make the choice themselves, so now it’s up to you to make that choice.” He looked down at the floor, eyes shut, clearly struggling.
“Ok, I guess we have to then, they aren’t safe at home anymore.”
I’m an advocate for proactive looking into senior living, not to move right away, but to guide your adult children on your wishes for where you would like to go if needed! This is how you stay in the driver’s seat.
How to start the conversation about looking proactively
State your intention
By this, I mean state your WHY. The bulk of why we, as adult children, are encouraging this conversation is that we want to show our loved ones respect by honoring their wishes. We don’t want to have to make decisions for them, if we don’t have to.
This can sound something like this, “Mom/Dad, I want you to stay in control as you age, I’d love for you to make the decisions instead of me. To do that, we need to explore some options and talk through some things, so YOU stay in the drivers seat. Are you ok with that?
Notice, I started with my intention, laid out what I was hoping to talk about, and then asked permission. We talk about asking permission below, but it’s a crucial part of helping our loved ones stay in the drivers seat as we have this conversation.
Evoke/ask them their options
As adult children, we often go into conversations with the solution already in our head. But as we explore the options with our aging parent, it’s important that instead of providing the solutions, we evoke the solutions from them.
This can sound like, “Mom/Dad, you’ve had a few falls and we can make things work at home for now, but if home is no longer an option in the future, what options would you want to consider next?”
Then listen.
If they talk about Home care-ask them which agency they would want to hire.
If they talk about moving to a senior living community, ask which community they would want.
If they talk about having a family member live with them, ask which family member and have they discussed this with them?
The goal is to help them solve their own problems and to bring clarity for all parties moving forward on what their “ideal” plan is. This is how we proactively plan for our aging process.
Ask permission before sharing
After we’ve evoked the ideas from our aging parents about their options we might notice they get a little “stuck” in what could be next. Before we jump in to provide the solutions for them, ask for permission to share.
This can sound like, “I have a few ideas that might help, would you like to hear those?”
Again, our goal isn’t to take the steering wheel and drive the car for them, instead we have to guide them. And that sometimes includes sharing ideas. But we have to remember to ask for permission before we share any ideas or thoughts.
This concept is crucial to understand because when we ask for permission to talk, to share or to brainstorm, we are keeping Senior Citizens in the drivers seat. They can say “no” to your question about starting the conversation, and that’s ok!
Summarize what you’ve heard
As we finalize the conversation about encouraging senior to explore what their aging options might be as they get older, summarize what you’ve heard.
This can sound like. “Dad, I’ve heard you talk about X and Y. And it sounds like you’ve already decided that X would be your ideal solution for support in the future. Thank you for sharing this with me! I appreciate knowing how I can best honor your wishes as you age.”
You’ll notice in the above example, I threw in my intention again, re-affirming that I’m starting this conversation because I want to honor your wishes. This cements the concept that this is not about me wanting to control their aging choices, but me just trying to ensure I can respectfully honor what they want in the future.
In Closing
If you haven’t checked out my blog post on why it’s important for seniors to explore senior living before they are “ready”, please do! It shares insights into why it can be helpful for seniors to explore senior living ahead of time.
If you need any support for aging and change, reach out-would love to help!
Email me at calaisseniorconsult@gmail.com
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