The fastest way through resistance is often slowing down to listen.
The number one indicator that resistance is brewing in a conversation is almost always someone else doing the pushing. Pushing for a decision. Pushing for acknowledgment. Pushing for a specific outcome. Pushing, even with the best intentions, their own agenda.
That pressure, however loving it is at its source, creates exactly the wall families are trying to break through.
So if you’ve been finding your aging parent increasingly resistant, I want to offer you a different approach to try before your next conversation.
Set aside your agenda. Not permanently. Your concerns are valid, and they matter. But just for this conversation, put them down. Leave your frustration at the door. Leave your solution at the door. Walk in with nothing but genuine curiosity about what is going on for them.
And start with this question:
“Mom, Dad, what’s been worrying you lately?”
Then stop. And listen.
This kind of open-ended question is deceptively powerful. It hands control back to your parent. It signals that you’re here to understand, not to direct. And it opens a door they get to choose how to walk through.
They might surprise you. They might talk about their health, about changes they’ve been noticing in their body, about fears they’ve been carrying quietly because no one thought to ask. Or they might deflect by talking about the news, the weather, or something safely removed from the personal.
Both answers tell you something important.
If they open up about their own worries, you’ve found the thread. Follow it with curiosity, not solutions. Ask what concerns them most. Ask how long they’ve been thinking about it. Ask what they wish were different. You don’t have to fix anything in this conversation. You just have to be present for it.
And if they steer away from anything personal? That’s information too. It may simply mean the conditions for a deeper conversation aren’t quite there yet, that trust needs a little more time, or that this particular moment isn’t the right one. It’s not a failure. It’s a signal to keep showing up, keep asking, and keep creating the kind of space where the harder things can eventually be said.
The goal of this conversation isn’t to arrive at a decision. It’s to arrive at connection. From connection, everything else becomes more possible.
Your parent doesn’t need to be convinced. They need to feel heard. And more often than not, that’s all it takes to open a door that stubbornness couldn’t.
BONUS: If you don’t normally ask questions like this, start with a softer curious question:
“Mom, Dad, what’s the most surprising thing about aging or getting older?”